Pre-Planning Your Memorial: What Most People Forget

I've been a pre-planning counselor for twelve years. In that time, I've sat across the table from hundreds of people who were brave enough to plan their own farewell. Most of them come in thinking about the big decisions: burial or cremation, which cemetery, how much it will cost.

Those are important. But they're not the things families actually argue about when the time comes. The fights happen over the things nobody thought to write down.

This article is about those things.

The Music

You'd be amazed how much conflict a song selection can cause. One sibling wants "Amazing Grace." Another insists Dad would have wanted Johnny Cash. A third is lobbying for "Highway to Hell" because "Dad had a sense of humor, and you all know it."

Write it down. Make a playlist if you want. Or at the very least, tell someone whether you want traditional hymns, your favorite songs, or absolute silence. All three are valid. What's not valid is leaving your family to argue about it while grieving.

The Photos

Which photo goes on the memorial card? Which one goes on the big display at the service? Families spend more time debating photo selection than almost any other detail — and they're doing it while emotionally exhausted.

Here's what I tell my clients: pick five to ten photos you actually like of yourself. Not just the formal ones — include the candid shots, the ones where you're laughing, the ones from your favorite trip. Put them in a folder (physical or digital) and tell someone where it is.

Even better: set up a digital memorial now on a platform like LegacyMarker and upload your photos yourself. You can keep it private until it's needed. That way, the photos are already chosen, already organized, and nobody has to sort through forty years of shoeboxes during the worst week of their lives.

The Stories You Want Told

Everyone has stories they want remembered and stories they'd prefer to leave behind. But if you don't tell anyone which is which, you're rolling the dice on what gets shared at your memorial service.

I had a client who spent twenty minutes telling me about his time in the Peace Corps — the most meaningful two years of his life. His wife didn't even know the full story. If he hadn't told me, it might never have been part of his service. Now it's the centerpiece.

Write down the moments that defined you. The career change. The risk you took. The person who changed your life. Your family may know some of these stories, but I guarantee they don't know all of them.

Who Speaks (And Who Doesn't)

This one is delicate, but important. Do you want an open mic at your memorial service? A few pre-selected speakers? Only the officiant? Every family has that one relative who means well but will turn a two-minute tribute into a twenty-minute monologue about themselves.

Deciding this in advance saves your family from an incredibly awkward conversation during an already difficult time. You can even designate specific people you'd like to speak and give them a heads-up now. They'll have time to think about what they want to say — and their words will be better for it.

Your Digital Life

This is the one almost everyone forgets, and it's increasingly important. When you die, what happens to your:

• Email accounts
• Social media profiles (Facebook, Instagram, etc.)
• Cloud photo storage (Google Photos, iCloud)
• Subscription services
• Password manager
• Online banking

Your family will need access to some of these and will want to close or memorialize others. Facebook, for example, has a "memorialization" feature — but someone needs login credentials or a death certificate to activate it.

Create a secure document with your important passwords and account information. Tell one trusted person where to find it. This isn't just about convenience — there may be financial accounts, insurance policies, or important documents stored digitally that your family needs to access.

What You Want Said About You

Not the obituary — that's facts and dates. I'm talking about the essence. The one-sentence summary. If someone who never met you read your memorial page, what would you want them to understand about who you were?

"She never let anyone eat alone." "He fixed things — machines, friendships, bad days." "She could make anyone laugh, especially when they thought they couldn't."

Write that sentence. Put it at the top of your memorial. It's the truest kind of legacy planning there is.

"The best pre-plans don't just cover logistics. They capture personality. They say: this is who I was, this is what mattered to me, and this is how I want to be remembered."

Getting Started Is Easier Than You Think

You don't need to do all of this in one sitting. Start with the thing that matters most to you — maybe it's the music, maybe it's the photos, maybe it's finally writing down the Peace Corps story. Do one thing this week, and add more over time.

If you want help structuring your pre-plan, we're here for that. Patricia (that's me) is available for no-pressure consultations where we walk through everything at your pace. And if you want to start organizing your digital legacy right now, LegacyMarker lets you create a private memorial page that you can build over time and share when you're ready.

The point isn't to be morbid. The point is to be thoughtful. And the people you love will be grateful you were.